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Just for the record, this isn’t correct, and ignores both varying cultural norms and variations in neurotypicality. Any “always” statement about human communications styles is incomplete. Always.
From: @Impossible_PhD
https://hachyderm.io/@Impossible_PhD/111915184306924322
@anildash So, just so I can be sure that I understand:
You read that I had muted the thread, so you created a new post specifically for the purpose of tagging me, to ensure that I saw your "wellakshully?"
Do I have that right?
a true work of modern reinvention
@anildash @Impossible_PhD Murphy’s Law states “If anything can go wrong, it will.” The real meaning behind that oversimplification is something like: “If something can go wrong, you should assume that it will go wrong and be prepared.”
Similarly, I think the OP means: “You should assume that someone will regard unsolicited advise as criticism unless they indicate otherwise.” Which is a very very good rubric for when to offer advice.
I really want “Why don’t you just” to become the new “Well, actually.” We can make it happen.
@anildash As always, it is saying more about the attitude of the author than reality. “I take any unasked for feedback as criticism and negative value judgement. I internalise and attribute flaws to myself whenever new information reveals there may be a better way to do a thing. I prefer to remain ignorant so I don’t experience this feeling, and externalise the source of the feeling to *other people’s perception of me*”. [edit, detagged]
That attitude is gonna hurt yourself.
@anildash I noticed the author muted the original thread so have detagged them from my reply.
It’s no surprise the author doesn’t want to hear anything about the post. It’s just a shout into the void to legitimise their own coping mechanism, for internalised bad feelings. It’s not something they actually want to think about solving.
I hope they feel better, and have a perception change to do that. But they need to notice the actual issue and then do that work themselves.
@mattwilcox @anildash I think you’re confusing *your* attitude with *their* reality. Unless it is your job to provide a person with criticism, ask first
@paraic That's the point - the experience is what matters to a person, but it's not *actually* what's happening. There's a lot of attributing intent to objective facts. And yes, I usually ask strangers if they want tips / help before showing something if part of the enjoyment is problem solving (e.g., climbing routes) - but it's *never* criticism. Feedback on better methods is not inherently criticism. It's just feedback. There isn't a value judgement by default. @anildash
@mattwilcox @anildash and if you ask first, it’s not unsolicited
@paraic Yup. You get obnoxious people that can't help but toss out advice too - but even then it's not likely to be criticism; it's more likely their own need to project an appearance of competence in order to feel secure.
Perceptions and self-doubt are powerful filters of thought. And I mean filter in both the "tinges reality with a colour" and "removes some reality from what gets through". @anildash
@paraic @mattwilcox @anildash “would you like me to provide unsolicited feedback?” (Your fly is down)
@anildash in my (Dutch) culture I actually feel that it's more rude to hold back unsolicited advice than to give it (in a professional setting). Feels almost like lying or quietly judging if you think someone should be doing something different but you aren't open about it to them.
@anildash @Impossible_PhD All advice is criticism, isn't it? Criticism can be good or bad. Does an art or literary critic only say bad things about something? The words criticism and critic seem to have devolved into something negative when it really wasn't originally. Critiquing something is to assess it.
Critique my statement. I promise to accept it in the spirit with which it is given 